Soooo, this last weekend I had quite a weekend. I got to really experience first hand how vulnerability can impact us in both positive and negative ways.
I had one of my dearest friends come visit me. We've known each other for like a million years. Last year, almost to the day, we had a conversation about how I still hold her at arms length. In fact, i wrote about it here.
I realized then, that it was both judgment and fear that I used to keep her that way. I was projecting judgment onto her because of my fear of stepping fully into my power.
So THIS time, we had another long conversation. It got started as we delved a little deeper into that other conversation. In it, we started to explore where my reticence comes from.
Funny thing, with EVERYONE else, I have no issue showing vulnerability. Work, family, strangers...but with her, my husband and maybe one or two others, it's HARD.
We talked about it and after a bit we noticed a pattern. If someone was a person that I knew accepted me unconditionally, for some reason, I found it harder to show vulnerability with them.
After further conversation and later meditation on my part, I understand that there is/was a real fear that I might "lose" those people from my life. EVEN THOUGH they love me unconditionally.
I now understand that because we live in a world where "I love you" is spoken easily, almost flippantly, I had grown fearful of losing the people from whom hearing that means the most. So now, I get it!
Vulnerability can bite us if we don't acknowledge it, understand it, utilize it. It can also support us if we do. After acknowledging this, I was able to open myself to accept her love more completely. And then, my husbands, and who knows? Maybe it will impact me in other areas.
Where are areas in your life that it is difficult to allow yourself to be vulnerable? How does that serve you? Does it keep you closed off? Make it difficult for you to build trust?
Much love and light,